That’s right, from now on, you are not only expected to partake in conversations, your mandate is far more complex and demanding – you are required to pre-empt the entire conversation, process multi-faceted statements correctly and also understand just what your significant other wants even when she is using NO WORDS whatsoever.
Sad, acne-riddled bespectacled, greasy-haired wankers who sit and stare at tasteless memes all day in between playing Destiny whilst clutching a crystal ball need not apply.
You, my friend, are about to embark on a game where nothing can prepare you for the monsters that lie ahead. And in this game, you have only one life. You’re not going to re-spawn after a simple but catastrophic error a few feet away in the safety of your high-end apartment or man cave; you have only one shot and boy, are you going to live to regret that one wrong move. You have no weapons in your arsenal, all you have is your male pride, your sense of cunning, your guile, your emotional strength and your wit.
Fucked from the start, really, aren’t you?
It will start off small at first, you will laugh it off whilst cruising Facebook looking at pictures of birds draped across motorbikes wearing skin-tight leather and denim and wondering whether you’d smash the arse off her straightaway or treat her right and buy her a KFC first:
Her: Enjoy the meal, did you?
You: Yeah, it was great. Fancy a shag?
Her: A shag? After you LEFT me to do the dishes ALL BY MYSELF, knowing how tired I must be after preparing that dinner?
You: Oh… I didn’t realise.
Her: You should have KNOWN how tired I was. I’m always tired after work.
She will then flounce off and you will shrug your shoulders and resign yourself to a bit of self-pleasure utilising one of the many pictures/videos stashed away in your wank bank.