How to…Not Get That Job You Never Wanted in the First Place

How to…Not Get That Job You Never Wanted in the First Place

Interview for another call centre, which, in 2000, was trying to be all “New Millennium” – gaudy coloured paint on the walls, supposedly enthusiastic young management team who were really just on coke for weeks at a time, barely slept and would be no loss if they all suddenly died. You get the picture.

Interviewer – Can you tell me, if you were a colour, what colour would you be?

Me – Not the colour of your walls, that’s for sure. Honestly, I think I feel a migraine coming on. 

Interviewer (awkwardly) – Ha…ha. Seriously, though.

Me – Depends on my mood. Some days I am the blackest of blacks, moody, sarcastic, horrendously dark-humoured, wishing pain, suffering and eventually, once my need to visualise the worst suffering imaginable upon a person has been satisfied, ultimately their expedient death. 

Interviewer – Okay…

Me – Other days I’m pink and yellow, fluffy and loving, happy and jolly and living a life of rosy gardens, white picket fences and so happy I could decapitate someone and watch as the angry red river of bile-filled rage spurts forth from their neck.

(At this point the interviewer said “they’d let me know.” They never did.  Cunts.)


For a data entry job:

Interviewer – What motivates you?

Me – Money. And boobs.  But mostly money.  I feel confident if I have enough of the first I will certainly get plenty of the second. 

(Note – I was ACTUALLY offered this job. There was only one interviewer for this job; a male in his 40’s.  I think, given the fact I was only 22 at the time he thought that hiring me would make him down with the kids and lend him some kind of credibility.  Little did he know I spent most evenings at home smoking weed, playing games and jerking off every hour or so.)


For an administrative job with some shipping company:

Interviewer 1 – Would you say you are a team player?

Me – Not really. I mean, I will work with others, but usually they’re inept, incompetent and annoying, so I find myself wishing they’d just fuck off and leave me alone.

Interviewer 2 – Haha, that’s honest. But do you have the ability to work collaboratively?

Me – Do you have the ability to understand English? I’ve just answered you and am disinclined to repeat myself.  Note my assertion that usually people are incompetent and annoying. 


For a trainee IT technician:

Interviewer – Do you believe in strategic forward planning?

Me – I assume by that question you mean beyond whether or not I can afford another pint of Stella Artois.

Interviewer – Well… yes.

Me – In that case, no.


There you have it. Some golden moments I would love to go back and experience again.  Now go back to Facebook and post YOUR interview experiences in the comments.


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