Interview for another call centre, which, in 2000, was trying to be all “New Millennium” – gaudy coloured paint on the walls, supposedly enthusiastic young management team who were really just on coke for weeks at a time, barely slept and would be no loss if they all suddenly died. You get the picture.
Interviewer – Can you tell me, if you were a colour, what colour would you be?
Me – Not the colour of your walls, that’s for sure. Honestly, I think I feel a migraine coming on.
Interviewer (awkwardly) – Ha…ha. Seriously, though.
Me – Depends on my mood. Some days I am the blackest of blacks, moody, sarcastic, horrendously dark-humoured, wishing pain, suffering and eventually, once my need to visualise the worst suffering imaginable upon a person has been satisfied, ultimately their expedient death.
Interviewer – Okay…
Me – Other days I’m pink and yellow, fluffy and loving, happy and jolly and living a life of rosy gardens, white picket fences and so happy I could decapitate someone and watch as the angry red river of bile-filled rage spurts forth from their neck.
(At this point the interviewer said “they’d let me know.” They never did. Cunts.)
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For a data entry job:
Interviewer – What motivates you?
Me – Money. And boobs. But mostly money. I feel confident if I have enough of the first I will certainly get plenty of the second.
(Note – I was ACTUALLY offered this job. There was only one interviewer for this job; a male in his 40’s. I think, given the fact I was only 22 at the time he thought that hiring me would make him down with the kids and lend him some kind of credibility. Little did he know I spent most evenings at home smoking weed, playing games and jerking off every hour or so.)
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For an administrative job with some shipping company:
Interviewer 1 – Would you say you are a team player?
Me – Not really. I mean, I will work with others, but usually they’re inept, incompetent and annoying, so I find myself wishing they’d just fuck off and leave me alone.
Interviewer 2 – Haha, that’s honest. But do you have the ability to work collaboratively?
Me – Do you have the ability to understand English? I’ve just answered you and am disinclined to repeat myself. Note my assertion that usually people are incompetent and annoying.
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For a trainee IT technician:
Interviewer – Do you believe in strategic forward planning?
Me – I assume by that question you mean beyond whether or not I can afford another pint of Stella Artois.
Interviewer – Well… yes.
Me – In that case, no.
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There you have it. Some golden moments I would love to go back and experience again. Now go back to Facebook and post YOUR interview experiences in the comments.
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