I was always particularly pleased when an interview consisted of a panel of two or more people – this meant that there was no one at all in the organisation capable of listening and writing things down at the same time, or – shock horror – actually remembering anything an applicant said and making a judgement there and then. It also allows an interviewee to present a different character to each panel member, as if there are say, two interviewers, one will be furiously scribbling while the other asks questions and then they switch roles to break the monotony.
Sometimes to one of the panel members I would be sunny and demure with a sprig of humility thrown in, offering answers I knew would be what they were wanting to hear, then switching to a more sullen, almost monosyllabic being for the other interviewer. It truly is a testament as to how merely jotting something down renders an interviewer completely incapable of noticing other factors such as tone, inflection and demeanour.
In all the interviews I had, and there were approximately 40 I attended in 2000, 30 or so of which I attended after I had successfully gained employment. If there was a job I really liked I would endeavour to play the straight man as who knows, I might have been in with a shot of getting one – and I was successful in one of these, I am pleased to say. On the other hand, if I knew the job was an abject pile of wank I was more than prepared to have a little fun at their expense, particularly as back in those days you were still offered coffee – and sometimes biscuits! – at interviews, so I regarded it as worthwhile even if all I gained from the experience was a free cup of coffee.
Unless it was shit coffee, in which case I would inform them and immediately leave.
It is fortunate that despite the passage of time I am somewhat an avid scribbler myself, noting things down that amuse me or ideas that I keep saying I will write a story/article about and never do, as I have a book full of answers to questions I gave at interviews. Feel free to use some of these if you require them at interview, though I can pretty much guarantee the results will not necessarily be everything you desire.
These are just a selection of some of the questions I have been asked and whilst you could not say they are all ridiculous requests for information, they are all an opportunity to make yourself look like a sycophantic, brainless sheep and therefore ultimately pointless.
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Interview for a call centre which, after a short tour, looked even worse than I imagined it to be, and we all know call centres are horrendous places. All of the staff, including the two interviewers, looked as miserable as a horny guy in a titty bar who has just lost his dick a tragic vacuum cleaner accident.
Interviewer – Could you tell me why you want this job?
Me – I could tell you why I want this job, but I’d be lying. You see, I don’t actually want it.
Interviewer – Pardon?
Me – Seriously, I don’t even think you want to work here. Bye.
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