I’ll have another Cosmopolitan BJ please.
-said no man ever
There’s a never ending article being published by Cosmopolitan magazine about the infinite number of ways you can improve your oral game. Based on the various techniques I’ve experienced, Cosmo writers are a bunch of angry lesbians playing the longest running joke in the history of print media. If you really want to step up your oral game, you’ve got to think about mechanics. There’s 4 basic options, which I will list in descending order by diameter and explore their benefits…
- Hand – getting an HJ is obviously better than not getting one, but lets be honest, if a dude wants an HJ, he’ll handle it himself. They say that it takes 10,000 hours to master an activity, why in the world would anyone even think they could come close? If you’re ever getting a great HJ, the person giving it probably has 10,000 hours under their belt, or you’re in high school, and you’re just happy to have someone else’s hand down there for once.
- Mouth – having your member in someone’s mouth is better than no mouth at all. Throughout history men have been caught sticking their members in anything that resembles even slightly resembles a mouth (pool water jets, socks, hands, fleshlights, etc.). Ask yourself this question, why is the mouth #2?
- The Box – there’s very little to complain about when it comes to the box. If you managed to make it through #1 and #2 before hitting the box, great work, if you’re wearing a condom… might as well be a hand. In a perfect world, we’re working in order of descending diameter here, so as the tightest place on the list so far, we’ve got box at #3.
- The Back Door – women reading this article just clenched up a little bit. Why are guys always trying to put it back there you’re wondering to yourself? Hopefully you’ve worked out that from a geometric perspective it’s an ideal place to get some friction… that and you hate doing it.
This part is for the ladies: Do you want to know the 2 best compliments I’ve ever heard given about women in my entire life?
- Dude talking about his smoking hot Colombian wife: “I can’t even describe how tight her pussy is, it’s like she’s got a little baby hand in there that’s jerking me off while I’m smashing her.”
- Dude talking about his hot Asian GF: “Her pussy is so tight, it’s like she’s got two assholes”
Are you starting to get the picture? You don’t need to flip the tip with your tongue, light candles, make eye contact, grab the balls, deep throat, create suction or throw a finger in us. I mean, if it makes you feel like you’re doing a good job, cool, but don’t do the flip the tip with your tongue thing for 10 min, that’s annoying, and you’re just going to have to pick up where you left off before you started all that nonsense. If you really want to give good head, here’s the secret…
If you don’t have a magic Colombian vagina with a small hand jerking your lover off inside you, and you don’t have two assholes, then start using your mouth like it’s an asshole. Your lips are there to cover your teeth, in real life, and in the bedroom / restroom / car / Denny’s / etc. This is really the only rule, no teeth.
Next, understand why dudes are always trying for rear entry. It’s tight, you don’t usually want to do it, he’s smashed the box so many times that it seems like a chore… Pretend you just got braces, and you’re really self conscious about your teeth, so keep those lips over them, and then try to make them as tight as an asshole. That would be the best blowjob in the world, and probably reduce the requests for VIP access to a minimum.
You’re welcome ladies.
Dudes – go back and tag you’re gf/wife/last person to give you weak head, tell them you found a hilarious article about how silly the Cosmo article about BJs is.