25 ways America would have been better off without Independence

25 ways America would have been better off without Independence

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On 2nd July 1776 – as any person who is alive will know – America voted to regard itself as a group of thirteen independent states and forever lost the chance to ever bake a scone correctly again. Naturally the celebrations resulted in a two day drinking binge, and Independence Day is of course celebrated on 4th July, which, of course, is when the Declaration of Independence was approved in an official capacity (the bloody British and their red tape, eh?)

Here are just 25 ways in which America might have been different if it had never severed ties with The Crown:

  • The inaccuracy of school shooters would not be synonymous with scholastic incompetence.
  • In relation to the above, school shootings would decrease in intensity and largely comprise of naughty Gareth, or Barnabas, taking an entire Crayola 64 set and snapping it into tiny pieces before flouncing off, only to return the next day and be forced to apologise to his classmates whilst looking shame-faced.
  • Rich people would move to California to soak up 300 days of sunshine per year and spend 299 days per year thereafter complaining about it.
  • Any visitors to someone’s house who behaved awfully would not be dramatically thrown out into the street and threatened with a shotgun, but any plate containing tasty edibles such as scones or miniature Victoria sponge cakes would be swiftly moved out of reach.
  • If such a person as mentioned above had to be unavoidably invited over for a meal then only the everyday cutlery and crockery would be used – definitely not the “good” set.
  • Town Officials in Washington, D.C. would despairingly allocate half their budget to replacing the sign for “Constitution Avenue” on a daily basis due to it being vandalised to read “Constipation Avenue”.
  • Sports and muscle cars would have half the engine capacity but better 0-60 times.
  • At least one person in the country would be able to make a decent cup of tea.
  • Theme parks would be one eighth of the size and have quadruple the admission fee.
  • Any potential suitors who turned up to meet their girlfriend’s mother would be instantly hated with a passion to rival that of Cain vs. Abel if their arrival coincided with the network transmission of Coronation Street.
  • Lager would actually contain more than 0.000007% alcohol.
  • No TV show would ever get officially cancelled, it would just be moved to BBC2 and shown at such erratic dates and times that people would stop watching it and have forgotten about it by the time it wasn’t being shown anymore.
  • John Lennon would not have been shot, he’d have just had a cup of cold tea thrown at him.
  • Any verbal outpourings of endorsement for achievements, such as scoring a goal in a football game or finishing first in a race would not be met with tawdry shouts of “Woo!” and “Way to go!” but instead become a refined vocal gesture of “Jolly good show, old thing.”
  • Smokey and the Bandit would have featured an eccentric tweed jacket wearing gentleman with a handlebar moustache who drove a Ford Capri.
  • Snowflakes and Safe Spaces would merely be the name of a rather camp 80’s pop band.
  • Gas would be called petrol and be four times the price it is now.
  • Even the most impatient of people would observe the etiquette of “the queue”.
  • Fake news would be courtesy of that gossiping old bint Mrs Johnstone at number 53, and not major national news networks.
  • Europeans would not be able to accuse Americans of not understanding irony.
  • They’d probably accuse Australians instead.
  • 42nd Street would be named something like “Wookie Hole End” or something typically English.
  • 43rd Street would be named something like “Cherry Pop Avenue” or something typically English.
  • If a visitor to your house left more than half a mouthful of tea in their cup after their departure, you would spend at least a couple of hours obsessing over what you had done to annoy or offend them.
  • “Cheers” would have been set in an East End London pub and featured overweight, middle-aged men who broke wind and laughed at least three times per episode whilst competing for the affections of the brassy tart-with-a-heart-of-gold barmaid who cackled like a D-List actor in a horror movie after drinking too many Babychams.

Article By “Phil Smash” Nelson (our resident alien writer from the UK)

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