Your Tinder Profile Sucks, just like you.

Your Tinder Profile Sucks, just like you.

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True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.- Kurt Vonnegut

There’s this thing that happens on Tinder whenever a guy matches with a woman.  The woman waits for the man to message a witty line that she deems acceptable.  If the line isn’t good enough, she won’t respond.  They want intellect, originality, to pair with good looks and a good job.  Here’s the problem.  Your profile fucking sucks.

You’re generic as fuck.  All of you.  Almost every profile I come across has some variation of this:

I’m hard working and I love to work out.  I can’t live without coffee and I love good food and wine.  I love my friends and family.  If you’re just looking to hook up, swipe left.  I’m looking for the real thing.

Let’s break this down piece by piece.  So you’re hard working?  I don’t care. Nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared about your shitty job other than you.  I know if we end up in a relationship I’ll spend the first hour of every evening hearing you bitch and moan about how Becky said something rude to you in front of your boss and how Susie just got cunt surgery after giving birth to her ugly baby with the oversized head.   Not only do I not care if you’re hard working, I actually find it annoying.  I’d prefer it if you did the bare minimum to not get fired.  That’s an admirable trait.  I can’t respect somebody that worked hard to get to the highest level of employment they’ll achieve in their entire life, and that peak is middle management.  Congratulations.  You busted your ass to peak at mediocrity.

Nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared about your shitty job other than you.

You love to workout?  At least I can push back all that bitching and moaning about work for an hour while you’re at the gym.  Let’s be real though, single you vs. relationship you has different feelings about hitting the gym.  If we were in a relationship the laziness would set it and I’d see empty In n Out bags more often than dirty gym clothes.  You don’t really love working out, you like to appear as if you do so we don’t assume you’ll swell up like a waterlogged zombie a few months into the relationship.

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  • comment-avatar

    Positively SCATHING. So much respect.

  • comment-avatar

    Oh, so you love the beach? No shit so does everyone else.

    Oh, so you have the wanderlust, you love to travel, what other expensive fancy adventorous things you enjoy?

    So, not looking for a hookup, well the tittie pictures on your profile indicate otherwise.

    And you’re not a foodie, you like to eat, like every other carbon based life form out there, who by the way also like to fuck, which is why we’re both here so stop acting like you’re not.

    • comment-avatar
      victoria 2 years

      Hey Hey I don’t love da beeeeeeech cuz it gets dat sand in all of the nooks n crannies i didnt kno existed ya feel me. That makes me sound like im pushin 500 pounds lol. Also i get mistaken as a beached whale

  • comment-avatar

    Oh, so you like to have a good time? No shit who would put I like to have a shitty time?
    Oh, so you’re a self-proclaimed social butterfly? Insta <- swipe
    Oh, so you want someone who's honest, transparent and fun? Well as opposed to those who would prefer people who are dishonest, shady and boring? wow
    Oh, not looking to hook up? But you KNOW Tinder is a hookup app (for the most part). Right?
    Oh, "I'm just looking to make friends and meet new people". LOL! Wtf!? Noone, I repeat, noone believes that. Not even you
    Oh, so you're down to earth? No you're not. If you are then you wouldn't have put all that shyt previously mentioned by my comment and the comments below mine

  • comment-avatar
    Francoise 2 years

    I was ready to stop cheating and put some real effort into my relationship until you gave me the inspiration to get back on tinder and hit up some above average ass!
    Thanks TTG xx

  • DISQUS: 0