True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.- Kurt Vonnegut
There’s this thing that happens on Tinder whenever a guy matches with a woman. The woman waits for the man to message a witty line that she deems acceptable. If the line isn’t good enough, she won’t respond. They want intellect, originality, to pair with good looks and a good job. Here’s the problem. Your profile fucking sucks.
You’re generic as fuck. All of you. Almost every profile I come across has some variation of this:
I’m hard working and I love to work out. I can’t live without coffee and I love good food and wine. I love my friends and family. If you’re just looking to hook up, swipe left. I’m looking for the real thing.
Let’s break this down piece by piece. So you’re hard working? I don’t care. Nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared about your shitty job other than you. I know if we end up in a relationship I’ll spend the first hour of every evening hearing you bitch and moan about how Becky said something rude to you in front of your boss and how Susie just got cunt surgery after giving birth to her ugly baby with the oversized head. Not only do I not care if you’re hard working, I actually find it annoying. I’d prefer it if you did the bare minimum to not get fired. That’s an admirable trait. I can’t respect somebody that worked hard to get to the highest level of employment they’ll achieve in their entire life, and that peak is middle management. Congratulations. You busted your ass to peak at mediocrity.
Nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared about your shitty job other than you.
You love to workout? At least I can push back all that bitching and moaning about work for an hour while you’re at the gym. Let’s be real though, single you vs. relationship you has different feelings about hitting the gym. If we were in a relationship the laziness would set it and I’d see empty In n Out bags more often than dirty gym clothes. You don’t really love working out, you like to appear as if you do so we don’t assume you’ll swell up like a waterlogged zombie a few months into the relationship.