Women:  Remove Hiking From Your Tinder Profile

Women: Remove Hiking From Your Tinder Profile

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“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.” – David Sedaris


What is the biggest turn off?  Hiking for the win.  I know you’re trying to portray yourself as outdoorsy and adventurous but when all your photos are of you in the pseudo wilderness of hiking trails all I can hope for is a 127 hour fate.  

That Marla Hooch photo of you five miles away in the shade under a tree has me as hard as a sloppy joe.  When I think of sexy, I think of a dusty and sweaty vagina that just trekked 4 miles in the hot august sun.  I can’t wait for you to sit on my face so I can get a fresh taste of mother earth and anthrax.  I’d rather get a blowjob from a dust storm than your dehydrated cotton mouth.  If I didn’t swipe right on everybody without looking, I’d swipe left on you.  

tinder

It’s not just unattractive.  It’s lame.  You’re not a survivalist.  You’re not going on some incredible journey into the deep wilderness.  You’re going along well traversed hiking trails.  Five miles on a hiking trail is safer than five blocks in East Oakland.  What would happen if you were to encounter any real trouble?  I doubt you would be going full Bear Grylls and trapping rabbits with shoelaces and drinking piss out of snakeskin.  So what value does your hiking bring to a relationship?  It tells me you like to go on long and difficult walks.  


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