A guide to adult spring break

A guide to adult spring break

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“The trouble with superheroes is what to do between phone booths.” – Ben Kesey

The older you get, the more you realize how far away you’ve traveled from normal traditions.  I used to spend Christmas Eve with with my family, now I spend it drunk at a strip club with friends.  I used to spend 4th of July having a pool party at my grandparent’s house.  Now I spend the 4th blacked out from bar to bar near the beach.  Spring break is unique because it’s the only one that is supposed to stop after you graduate college.

Don’t let these people tell you to grow up and stop enjoying spring break.  Don’t let your dreams be dreams!  From the time I turned 22 to present day I’ve abused my liver during what I call adult spring break by going to Scottsdale Arizona for spring training.  This is a phenomenal time to binge drink with a good crew and fall into some vagina every night if you’re lucky.  Don’t let Becky from accounting tell you that you need to grow up.  Becky is a boring cunt who only has sex missionary with the lights off.  This is what being an adult is all about.

This year was a little different.  I went to Cancun when I was broke and 18 and I’ve always wanted to go back now that I’m older, wiser, and have money to spend.  I wanted to prove my theory that being older, wiser, and wealthier, would make us rockstars to all the young and broke college women in Cancun.

For my 2nd time there, we did Cancun the right way.  We rented two condos on the beach that gave us all space and our own rooms.  We stocked the condos with booze and food.  We got there early in the week so everything wasn’t crammed into two days.  We booked a booze cruise for our 2nd day there to kick off the real partying.  When the booze cruise started we were clearly the most rowdy of the bunch.  Everybody there was younger and more timid.  I’m the youngest of the group at 31 years old and everybody else on the boat is a decade younger or more.

When it became clear we were the group that was actually partying, the women gravitated to us as we did body shots, boob luges and butt chugs.  Bikinis were flying off, pierced nipples exposed, and and even the boldest of these young lasses were taking tequila shots off my absurdly hairy chest.  The boat stopped at Isla Mujeres and we picked up a bottle of tequila, went right to a beach bar and banged down shots for the next two hours like it was From Dusk Till Dawn.  A group of girls came with us and we continued with the boob luges and butt chugs right there on the beach.

The party continued all the way back to our condo then into the night.  The following night another group of girls we met on the boat came to our condo to pre party.  They were amazed by how cool our place was.  Later that night we got a table at the City with the group of girls and partied till the club shut down.  They thought we were rockstars with how much booze we were putting down and how wild we were.  Then something happened the last day we were there.  Our rockstar status died as we hit the wall.

The girls, once again wanted to party with us but unfortunately age was rearing it’s ugly head.  Half of us quiet, injured, puking blood, while all these young girls were ready to rage.  It was pathetic.  We were officially the old guys at the party and it was a brutal reminder that had Murtaugh’s famous line echoing in my head, “I’m too old for this shit” which is also a pop culture reference these women are too young to get.   The whole night these girls looked like they wanted no part of us as our energy level was nonexistent.  I could barely walk so I sat at our booth drinking with my hand in my pants like Al Bundy till the night was finally over.

The key to a good trip boils down to this:  Pick a good destination.  Rent a house or a big condo.  Stock the kitchen with food and booze the first day.  Don’t make the trip more than 3 days.  Don’t waste your time and energy playing golf or something stupid like that.  Get as much vagina as possible.

My theory about adult spring break proved to be true.  When you have more money and know how, you’re going to impress all the younger women out there.  I also learned a valuable lesson.  After a few days, you’re going to get burnt out.  As much fun as Cancun was, I think I’ll stick to the real adult spring break in Scottsdale from here on out, that way I won’t feel like such a fat, pathetic, old fuck.  

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